Mama-Toddler Interactions Translated In To English

Or, what this largely wordless conversation would actually sound like if a toddler had roughly the speech skills of a 28-year-old slightly embittered university graduate.

Me: Open your mouth! Mama has to get the sugarbugs with the toothbrush!

Her: Sugarbugs. [Level stare. Mouth stays closed.]

Me: Open up! Let Mama in!

Her: Woman, you’ve sunk to new lows. Your ploys will not work on me.

Me: Come on, Bubbalub! Mama has to brush your teeth! Open up! Look, I see a sugarbug!

Her: No. [Turns away, starts climbing off stool and heading for garbage can]

Me: Look, see, Mama can brush her teeth! [insert overdramatic overdramatization of tooth brushing motions with toddler toothbrush while not actually touching teeth with toddler toothbrush.] Now we can brush Avery’s teeth! Open up!

Her: Hey, what’s in the bathtub? Is that that rad bubble bath bottle that spills everywhere? AWESOME. Let me at it.

Me: No no, we have to finish brushing Avery’s teeth! See? Teeth! [Grabbing of toddler, more overdramatization of tooth brushing]

Her: Look. You’re embarrassing yourself. Stop.

Me:  Come on! Brush Brush Brush!

Her: Hey – look! The potty! I’ll sit on it and pretend to pee even though I totally refuse to pee in it when you want me to!

Me: Can you open up so Mama can brush your teeth?

Her: Are you still on that?


In other words: Help?

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