I know that I am ignoring this blog. I have this space. It is mine. This is my own stage. This is the spot that I have carved out for myself. Yet I’m not using it.The epic irony of paying for hosting yet hosting nothing is rather like making a car payment for a vehicle that sits in the garage. It’s there just in case I maybe might need to go somewhere, we’re out of Quinoa, gosh, can’t have that, pay it some attention, but until then, $23k of innards rotting out in the meantime. A page unfulfilled.
I walk around every day, and every day I think of things to write. Stories, fiction bouncing around joyfully in my head. Commentary, fiercely rampaging across streets, politicians, people. I compose the thesis, the arguments, the counter arguments. The witty double entendres, the call-outs to inside jokes, the unforgettable quips. They’re all there. But they don’t make it here. I have the inspiration, I just don’t have the follow-through.
I try not to think of it as a metaphor for my life. I have big dreams for blog, yet I ignore blog. I have big dreams for life, I ignore that too?
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Why am I not writing? Am I hiding from the words? Am I hiding from the effort? Is it just my rampaging ADD that prevents me from sitting down and getting it all out, written, recorded, done? Or do I let the downside get to me?
I’ve been blogging for over ten years, and yet sometimes it feels like I have never gotten over the most basic fear that someone’s going to laugh at me. Someone’s going to focus in on the smallest mistake or issue or whatever in my post and snicker behind my back, then mention it to someone else who’s going to say Dude, I KNOW and snicker about it too. Then when I meet them in public, they’re going to be nice to me to my face then walk away, laughing about how lame I am.
God. Am I 12? Do people still even act like that?
Don’t answer that.
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I had one New Year’s resolution this year. It has a lot of permutations, a lot of interpretations and chips that fall where they may. But the upshot of the resolution is thus:
Get my shit together.
To get shit together, I must write.
I have a bunch of jobs, now, and all those jobs involve writing. Which are unbelievably cool. I am supremely fortunate, even though some days the concalls and skypechats and deadlinesdeadlinesdeadlines get heavy. But it has become that I write for everyone else instead of me. Defeating the purpose.
So now, I will write. Here. For me. And perhaps for you. It may suck, although I hope it won’t.
Waggggh waggity wagggh wagggh publish.
Off I go.
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I neglect both my blogs all the time. I’m online less in the evening, which is when I used to write on them, because I’m trying for this mythical thing called “balance”. Plus I have tendinitis in my wrist which means I need to find that balance thingy and give my wrist a break. Once you’ve started neglecting it gets easier to keep neglecting it than to actually write on them.
And then, like you, I spend my days writing. Writing posts, reading comments, taking notes. At the end of the day I feel like I’ve used all my words and I have none left for me.
sassymonkey recently posted..The Garden Intrigue by Lauren Willig
I too ignore my blog. And then feel bad for ignoring it. It is a vicious cycle.
Chantal recently posted..Back to life, back to reality