Once I got back in to my car and started it, I felt it melting away. I wasn’t sure if I was sinking back in to a dream or waking up from one.
The previous 4 days had felt hyper-real, extra crystal clear reality. Like some kinds of drugs people have told me about. Sharp edged, yet covered in a warm hug. Reality was oddly jarring, oddly unreal.
They don't joke about the camera and the 10 pounds. Unless that's what I actually look like? Oh god.
I did so much this weekend that I could never have imagined. I was on national TV. I ran interference for a much-admired celebrity through crowded halls. I hugged and talked and hobbled in poorly chosen heels. I watched my own creative vision come to fruition in front of 500 people.
Well, sort of watched.
When you organize a conference, you don’t really get to attend that conference. I have spent six months putting together roundtables and organizing speakers and planning excursions, but I probably sat in about an hour’s worth of content, total. There’s just too much to do. Making sure everyone’s where they’re supposed to be. Finding answers, finding people. Last minute things I swore last year I’d get done in advance but of course didn’t. So I missed most of it. But I knew I would. It’s ok.
We have it all on video, so I can watch it, even though I’m going to cringe at seeing myself on camera. I always do.
Backstage selfie. And the only pic of me I got all day.
After I did this gig the first time, at BlissDom Canada 2011, someone told me that the week afterwards would be the hardest. She’s not wrong. “You’ll go in to a depression”, she said. “It passes. Don’t worry.” I thought she meant I’d be tired, maybe a little bit sad it was over. Ha. The crash is not unlike postpartum depression, what with the exhaustion and crying jags and complete inability to eat or concentrate. It’s normal. You can’t live and breathe this stuff for as long as we do then go suddenly in to nothing without feeling it. My problem is always the post-event anxiety. Did everyone think it sucked? (No.) Did Jian Ghomeshi think I was a tool? (Probably.) Was I way too hyper? (That’s a Y.) Did I screw anything up? (Oh, of course you did, but you’re the only one who noticed and it’s done now so let it go.) Did people get anything out of it? (Yep, I think they did, if their smiles are any indication).
Then I got in to my car on Sunday night and as soon as I turned the ignition and saw the crushed cheerios on the floor, real life started to come back. Real life working in my home office, making lunches for my kid and watching The Voice on PVR.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a good life. A life I love, one I am thankful for.
But there’s no point in coming home from an experience like this exactly the same way I went in. There’s shards of glitter, of stars like the ones on the dress I wore Saturday following me home, sparkling and dancing, lazily tumbling in the air behind me. If I don’t pay attention to them, they’ll drift away again. I need to embrace them and keep them close.
Stars like remembering to write. And read. Stars like remembering to connect. To leave the house. To reach out and tell the stories. And remembering to stop and be thankful.
It’s a beautiful life and I am blessed with a crazyfun job that gives me the chance to spend time with the most wonderful, creative, thoughtful people.
And I still need an extra week’s sleep.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
You did a fab job and the hard word that you and the entire staff did showed. Really. I promise.
sassymonkey recently posted..My Secret Project: DIY iPad Stand
Shannon, I’ve had the post-event let down after every major event I’ve planned- three Veg Fests, and most recently, the terra20 grand opening events. I hope you’re recovering well. Perhaps we can connect sometime soon.
You did an amazing job, wait a sec that’s not strong enough a word… you did an awe-inspiring, heart-stiring, freakishly impressive job! xoxoxo I’m proud to be part of your team.
Shash recently posted..I needed sleep but went to Vegas instead!